Death

Taboo- subject death

In our society the subject of death is often left out of consideration- everybody fears it, nobody wants to talk about it. 80% of people die in a hospital or charitable- home. Dieing in your own home isn't normal anymore, therefore we keep this subject as far away from ourselves as possible.
It is important for me, for this taboo to be broken. Death belongs to our life. Everybody has to die, everybody should come to terms with this realization and its implications. Feelings, fears and articulating hopes, helps us to cope better with this subject. Booting up everything into yourself only makes you feel lonely and increases the fear. Often one doesn´t want to burden ones partner or relatives in addition with such feelings, but forget totally that things not said are much more of a burden and shared suffering is halved suffering.
In social intercourse with each other, honesty, reality and deepest respect for the other is important. This means understanding the other person, accepting his decision and going along with it.

How do terminally ill people see their situation?

Long hospital stays, in which independent decision- making and privacy are reduced, are seen as a loss of dignity. Additionally comes a social loss, which also first has to be coped with. Also important is the religious philosophically attitude of the afflicted. The worry about surviving dependants and not yet finished things pose an added burden.
The conflict about dying is an ongoing process in which feelings such as fear, depression and anger are "normal", calling for different adaptation and defence- mechanisms at different times.

Some adaptation- mechanisms

• Denial:not considering the true situation realistically, e.g. making grandiose plans, being dependent on other people.
• Egocentricity: living experiences only centered around oneself.
• Projection: fear for those near you, not for oneself.
• Isolation from affect: decidically "business- like" attitude to the situation, subduing of feelings.
• New definition: discovering the good side of the situation for oneself.

Relatives know the sufferer well and are often the people best equipped to help and support the person in the situation. It is often the case though, that they themselves have difficulty in coming to terms and dealing with the fact of the approaching or threatened death of a loved family member.

Difficulties from the relatives' side:

• conscience-stricken: conflict between the wish to be close to the patient and patient and the wish to flee from him/her and the attendant burdens.
• Feelings of guilt: being 'allowed' to live and others not; guilt at not being able to help the patient enough.
• Emotional stress by experiencing the gradual demise, mental and / or physical of the loved one.
• Confrontation with death due to a relative being confronted with death.
• Threatened by to-be-expected loss, hope of a joint future being destroyed, threat to means of existence
• Family-system being redefined e.g. the protective father now needing protection, is dependent.
• Uncertainty in communication: is it possible to talk to the patient about his illness openly?
  How much of one's own feelings and difficulties can one articulate to the sick person?

Possible help:

• Reactions such as anger, annoyance, etc. are 'normal' when coming to terms with death
• Talking and getting help from professionals should be strongly considered (psychology, minister, therapist)
• Learning relaxation techniques to be learned, autogenes training, visualisation...
• Prayer
• Hobby / undertaking / subject to engage in from which one recharges ones batteries.

Love your next and you love yourself; the second half of the sentence from the bible is often not given enough weight We must love ourselves in order to do good to others without literally killing ourselves.